Q: I love my husband so much, but I don’t feel loved by him. He is a great husband and father. I know he does things around the house to help out, but he never spends time with me. How do I get him to spend more time with me?
A: The question above sounds like the wife has a different love language than her husband. If you haven’t heard of Love Languages, they are 5 different languages in which people either express for feel loved by. By this question, the love language that the wife seems to be wanting from her husband is Quality Time.
Gary Chapman has written many books on Love Languages, for significant others, and even for parents with children. I remember that I took the Love Language test my freshman year of college and learned why I was so unhappy with the way my boyfriend interacted with me. My love language was quality time as well, and he was a busy film major who barely had time to see me. So I told my boyfriend of the time I wanted to spend more time together, letting him know that spending time together made me feel close to him.
For couples out there, whether dating, long term commitment, engaged, or married, taking the love language quiz (a couple times over the course of your life, as love languages can change with life circumstances changing) together can really help you guys understand what fills each other’s “Love Tanks” as Gary refers to them.
Another fun fact is that most people show love in the language that they wish to get. I used to buy or make gifts for my boyfriends, and now my husband. Gifts was one of my love languages I realized. To me, it wasn’t the gift, but the thought behind it that made me feel loved. So when my husband spontaneously brought me home roses the other day -and not just any roses, he said, “I know you love white roses and you love red roses but they didn’t have either so I found these red roses with white in them and thought you might like these”- that made me feel loved because he not only knew I liked roses, but specifically which kind of roses. When he couldn’t find the type of rose I liked, he tried to do his best to find something I would like, showing that he thought about what makes me happy. It’s been a couple days and I am smiling as I write this, because the feelings of being loved and thought about are still with me.
The five languages are as follows:
- Quality Time
- Physical Affection (that doesn’t mean sex, but cuddling, hand holding, etc.)
- Acts of Service
- Words of Affirmation
Just by the names you might know which love language is yours. In case you aren’t sure, here is the love language quiz that you can take. In the end, it’s about communication and being able to talk about unmet needs, or minor tensions in the relationship, in a productive way!
Questions to readers after taking the quiz:
What’s your Love Language? Has knowing your Love Languages helped?