Twenty-six weeks pregnant and I can’t tie my shoes. Jak has to help me tie them, or I just stuff the laces into the shoe if I am running late. The body changes that come with pregnancy have been quite the experience. I remember when I felt extremely bloated in the beginning and not at all pregnant. I also remember the first time I was seeing a “baby bump” rather than bloat. I felt so happy because it eased my mind, knowing that, yes, the body changes are because there is a tiny little person in me. I know when talking about pregnancy and babies, lots of mothers and soon to be mothers talk about body image, and the changes they go through.
I consider myself so lucky being with Jak, knowing that he loves and accepts me as I am, even as my body changes. Being pregnant and also struggling with anorexia has been very unnerving at times. I never wanted to get pregnant because I thought I would never in my life be able to handle the body changes that come with pregnancy. Body image issues come with the territory of having anorexia, and when you’re pregnant they seem to amplify overnight. I personally feel I have done an amazing job at eating through out my pregnancy. I have reminded myself on those tough days that I am eating for Xander. I know they say that body change happens slowly, which is true for the beginning, but once the baby starts growing faster in the second trimester, your body changes faster than you might be comfortable with.
I got fitted for my wedding dress maybe two weeks before the wedding. It fit really nicely, and by wedding day, my breasts had grown and I felt quite tight in the dress. I felt so self-conscious and was shocked at the changes that happened in two weeks. I know that it’s normal, especially as pregnancy gets into the later stages, but I was still freaked out. I am not the biggest fan of the wedding pictures because I am pregnant. I, or well, ED(my anorexic thoughts), as Jak and I call him, says I don’t look good pregnant. I fight that voice a lot. Especially the past week or so. I went to the ob-gyn and I got freaked by the body changes and numbers. Jak has been a doll through all this. Honestly, I think he is more turned on by me being pregnant sometimes! I know that some wives worry about their husband not being attracted to them after pregnancy, I’ve read enough forum boards to see it. Honestly, in today’s society, I don’t blame them at all! We live in such a hypersexualized society where we are bombarded by overly sexual images of women everywhere we turn. How could we not have that thought cross our minds?
Looks aren’t everything. Looks fade, and we all age, and that is perfectly human. I think sometimes I forget that I am human and it’s okay to not be perfect all the time. I know that Jak loves me, even on the days when my hair is messy and I have no makeup on. Hell, he prefers me with no makeup! So to all those soon to be moms or new mothers who might be struggling with body image, that is okay. Just know that at the end of the day it’s who you are that matters, not how you look.