Have you ever struggled in your sex life? Be honest. It’s okay to say yes. I think we all have at one time or another. Whether the sex drive was out of sync with our partner, whether we had different sexual interests or different ideas of where sex as a priority was in the relationship. There are some really easy tricks to improve your sex life that maybe you didn’t think of, or you thought they were helping but really they were hindering your sex life.
Who Wants Sex?
This can be one of the most frustrating things, especially if you’ve been in a relationship for a while or married for years. Figuring out when your partner is interested when they never initiate is frustrating, to say the least, and maybe even embarrassing. You are with someone who loves you, so why aren’t they initiating sex anymore? Or maybe they never did, so what gives?
Initiation, in an *ideal* world, would be balanced. We both would feel wanted and desired and would know where we stand sexually with our partners. Sadly, our world is not ideal, and reality sets in of long work hours, getting the kids to bed, and skipping dinner and falling asleep instead. Meanwhile, maybe your partner wanted to have some physical intimacy with you. Or, worse, you initiate sex only to be rejected on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis.
There is an outdated belief that wives and women don’t want sex, nor enjoy sex. But, most women I know have a voracious sex drive and their husbands cannot keep up or are not interested. Yet, I hear many men complain about wives not wanting sex. So, what is that really about? It’s about many factors such as feeling safe, desired, loved, appreciated, heard, and respected to name a few.
If you and your partner are not good outside the bedroom, how can you expect you and your partner to be good inside the bedroom? So, step one: Identify Unresolved Feelings/Issues and Address Them. Once that has been done, just see if the person’s sex drive shifts into a higher gear. I bet you, once those issues are resolved or at the very least discussed, they will show their interest.
Initiation Hang Ups (and Strategies To Overcome Them)
If there are relationship issues like lack of communication, lack of intimacy in all forms, no effort and time put into the relationship, then you might not be feeling very sexy and desired, thus a lack of initiation. You might feel your partner has lost sexual interest in you, and that can cut really deep for both men and women. But, it doesn’t have to remain this way where initiation is a struggle and ends up in a fight because of the feelings of “being unwanted” bubble up when you’re turned down again.
The Sex Candle Trick
This is one that I personally came up with myself when my husband and I were struggling with initiation a year ago. I have a high drive and my husband wasn’t sure how to initiate, and honestly was going through some personal issues that got in the way of intimacy on all levels, and he didn’t let me into that struggle. I honestly thought he wasn’t into me anymore!
I am very creative when it comes to putting effort into the relationship. If one thing doesn’t work, I go back to the drawing board and try again until a solution is found. So, we had this coffee scented candle we both loved, and I suggested that I would light the candle if I was in the mood so that when he came home if the candle was lit, he would know. If he was in the mood he would let the candle stay lit. If he wasn’t he could blow out the candle and I would know that sex wouldn’t be happening. Then if sex wasn’t on the table, we could discuss it further.
Initiation Through Touch Trick
This one was another idea in case we used the candle too much. There would be a specific part of the body that is touched to let the other person know that they were in the mood. For me, I chose the belt line because it wasn’t directly being too forward but it was around the area where he would know that’s what I was in the mood for. He also has an area for me so that if he touches that place I know that he is in the mood.
Think about you and your partner. Think of an area (that is not sexual in nature) of their body that when touched/kissed/caressed that turns them on. Then suggest to your partner that the area, if touched, is a signal that you’re in the mood for sex.
Learn About Your Sex Drive & How To Turn Yourself On
High Sex Drive
Now, as a high sex drive person, I understand the pain of rejection, having to initiate, and the desire of physical intimacy (which can lead to emotional intimacy if intimacy is not already present). The struggle we high sex drive people have is to have empathy for our low sex drive partners. We want to make them feel loved, safe, and unpressured. But we don’t want to have to sacrifice our desires. High sex drive people often think about sex a lot and are easily turned on. Knowing that is very important. We have an easier time getting aroused and have a higher desire for sex.
Low Sex Drive
Low sex drive people struggle with the pain of being pestered by sex, feeling that all they are is sex to their partner, and not wanting to hurt their partner’s feelings. Low sex drive people oftentimes don’t fully understand what sex means to their high sex drive partner. To the high sex drive partner, sex means intimacy in the highest form. Literally, sex is entering the other person’s body and experiencing something that only you and they can experience together. Low sex drive people often aren’t thinking about sex nearly as much as a high sex drive person. They also are not as easily aroused and it can take more effort and environmental cues to get them in the mood. Being aware of that is really important.
Meet Me In The Middle
That phrase makes me laugh because I now have that “why don’t you just meet me in the middle” song stuck in my head! But it’s true. When you are partnered with someone with the opposite drive, you both have to learn to compromise. Compromising is such an important factor in any relationship, and when it comes to sex, compromising might not feel sexy, but in the end, it’s much better for your sex life long-term.
The worst thing you can experience is a sexually selfish partner that does not think of you, that doesn’t have empathy, and wants sex “their way or the high way.” It’s not exactly a turn on, now is it? Rather than fighting each other over sex and the frequency, get to the deeper issues at hand. Discuss your turn-ons, what gets you in the mood, the times of day, when you feel closest, etc. My husband and I struggled so much with sex and initiation and our mismatched drives, that I created a check-in sheet that we fill out when he gets home from work and one of the questions is “Do you want sex” and once we are done filling out the sheet, we switch them and then discuss what we answered, wrote, and how our day went and what has led us to desire or not desire sex that day.
Things That Are Hindering Your Sex Life
The Modern Mr. and Mrs is not the type of blog that produces fluff articles on best sex positions and techniques. At The Mod we go deeper into the real issues that hold you back. Techniques and positions can be learned on your own time, but it truly is not what is holding you back. It could be other factors in your relationship relating to feeling appreciated, lack of communication, feeling pressured, feeling undesired.
Stop Pestering and Pressuring. It’s Not Sexy
There is a huge difference between taking lead and pressuring. Taking lead means feeling confident and showing your partner your desire. Pressuring usually means tons of requests and attempts and getting mad when your advances are rejected. Pressuring someone into sex is not sexy and truly it’s not consensual. No one wants to feel forced or guilted into sex. No one. Wouldn’t you rather want someone to enjoy sex with you because they truly wanted it?
Stop the pestering and sexual requests and respect when the other person says, “not in the mood, maybe later.” Now, that doesn’t mean leave them by themselves and ignore them until you get sex. If they aren’t in the mood, discuss it, express why you are in the mood and what you hoped to achieve through having sex with them. Was it connecting on a deeper level? Was it missing the physical touch and comfort from your partner? Don’t just leave each other emotionally hanging after sex doesn’t work out.
Once you or your partner realize that it’s pressure, not taking the lead that’s the problem, then awareness is achieved. Once you’re aware, you can change your methods and be more respectful in your sexual advances. Maybe try seeing if the person is in the mood by cuddling with them or making out and seeing the response. If sex isn’t going to happen, respect that.
Porn can be a relationship killer. I know Cosmo and the big magazines push porn like it’s the secret to make your sex life incredible, but it’s not. Porn actually can be a real downer (aka Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction). For those who aren’t aware, porn is just as addictive as heroin and changes your brain’s way of responding to sexual stimuli in real life.
Porn hacks your brain into thinking you’re having sex with the person on screen. Your brain is not able to distinguish that it isn’t actually having sex, and so when masturbation occurs with porn, if you have a death grip, when real sex occurs you won’t be able to stay erect because of the intense stimulation you’ve given yourself. Now, this can happen if you’re a very regular porn user or addicted. If you are addicted, check out NoFap and try the 90-day reboot to restart your own sexuality and boost your esteem and sex life.
For those who use porn sparingly, do still use caution. Get the facts on porn. Make sure you’re watching consensual videos, make sure what you’re watching aligns with your sexuality and doesn’t distort it, make sure that your partner is okay with porn in a relationship, and do be aware that porn can make you feel less attraction for your partner.
So as “sexy” as porn may seem, it really can kill your sex life, your self-esteem, your partner’s self-esteem, and the trust in your relationship if you haven’t yet had the “porn talk.” Jordan Gray, a relationship coach, talks about how porn is just bad for your sex life, here is one of his articles on how porn affects your sex life.
Can We Have Amazing Sex Now?
Yes, you can. You can have amazing, mind-blowing sex with your partner if you are both honest with your wants, desires, and in your communication with each other. You just have to be brave enough to be vulnerable with them and share your sexuality. Share those secret fantasies you’ve always wanted to do with your partner. Share the things that make you uncomfortable during sex. Share your favorite times to have sex. And always, always, make sure your partner feels wanted and desired, even if sex is not happening as frequently as you would like.
Remember, sex is not the defining factor that indicates whether your partner wants and loves you. Sex is just one part of a relationship. Yes, sex is an important part, because it is the romance and physical intimacy that separates your relationship with your partner from the other relationships in your life, but it is not the end all be all. Don’t neglect or run from