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“This article contains strong language that may be offensive to some readers. Viewer discretion is advised.”
I was rather perplexed, if not downright annoyed, by it. I was reading some messages going back and forth between several people, males actually (more like little boys), and the terms “THOT (That Ho Over There)”, “tramp (with and without the stamp)”, “whore”, and “slut” were used multiple times to describe, demean, and define several young women and girls. Also used were terms like “bitch” and “cunt.” As I was reading this, my thoughts were “really”? Some of them were used in what is known as a semantic change (shift or progression), like using “that was awfully good”, “I literally died right then and there”, and of course my favorite, “she’s such a good looking bitch” (I hope you caught on to my use of the word “favorite” also being a semantic change in its own right).
But this entire exchange made me wonder. At what point in one’s life, do they learn that this is appropriate and acceptable terminology used to define another human being? Worse, they’re all saying and repeating this nonsense about someone they know little to nothing about. If I were to ask any one of them “well how do you know she is a whore?”, I’m quite certain I would get responses like “I heard…”, “She has this reputation…”, and “It’s a known fact…” Well, the “known fact” is, they don’t have any facts at all as basis for their opinion. It is all hearsay. They all systematically contribute to trashing this woman’s, this girl’s, reputation based on hearsay. So they take what was in the very beginning a lie, and they repeat it. That’s how rumors get started, and ultimately, spread.
In more troubling circumstances, in a very cruel, brutal, and extremely bullying way, some will say these very harmful hurtful things on social media, cyber-bullying, hiding behind a shadow, shield, and curtain of anonymity. It takes a really big person to do this to anyone, let alone anonymously, like taunting an animal that is chained or in a cage. It is designed to deliberately and maliciously inflict mental and emotional distress and abuse, and by extension, physical abuse as oftentimes, it results in the victim cutting, carving, scratching, burning, harm to hair and skin, and physical body impact.
But it goes much deeper than just attaching a label to another human being. These are not inanimate objects that do not live, breathe, think, love, hurt, and feel. Besides, what makes her a whore anyway? Because she loves to have sex? Well, that rules out most of the female population on the planet, not to mention all the males, “man whores,” who affectionately embrace the “stud” label so hypocritically. She is a human being. If this is the level of respect or lack thereof as the case may be, that these individuals have for young women and girls, how can they possibly command and earn respect for themselves?
Incredibly, because of the rumors, some won’t have anything to do with her at all, judging her like she has a contagious disease or perhaps like the 17th century Puritan’s label of The Scarlet Letter (I know it’s a novel, but you get the point). Others will contribute to it, fill in the blanks, and add commentary where none was warranted, let alone needed. It’s a huge blow to her dignity, damaging to the very core of her being. So why further add to her pain and suffering? Some simply laugh it off as funny. They don’t necessarily contribute to it, but by laughing with the perpetrator(s), and at the victim, they only serve to incite continuation of the outrageous obnoxious behavior. Some will sit idly by and do nothing, not because they wouldn’t want to, but out of fear of then becoming the subject and target of the same kind of harassment themselves. Then, we have those I call the welcome heroes. They’re the ones who will stand up for what is right, do the right thing, and tell them in no uncertain terms that it is unacceptable.
“Always do the right thing no matter what it cost you.”
That’s the underlying philosophy that I live by. I know first hand the harm and damage done because I too have experienced being the recipient of it. I’m not one to sit idly by while another individual railroads, bulldozes, and bullies their way through someone else with an entourage of ignorance and stupidity, and allow it to remain unchallenged.
In the movie, Beauty and the Beast, Belle played by Emma Watson, stood up to the town bully, Gaston. In the movie, Robinhood: Prince of Thieves, Robin of Locksley (aka Robinhood) played by Kevin Kostner, fought vehemently against the Sheriff of Nottingham, played by the late Alan Rickman; a bully with tremendous power and authority over the people. I am that Robinhood. Who coincidentally was considered a bully as a child by his love interest, Marian played by Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio.
The young woman, the girl in question, has likely heard or read some of these very hurtful things about herself before that simply aren’t true. Nothing can remotely soothe the pain that cuts deep within her heart, mind, and soul. If it doesn’t manage to send her into a tailspin, into a state of depression, or total nervous breakdown, she will take measures, countermeasures if you will, to combat these labels, overcome them, and demonstrate to everyone around her that she is not defined by this label that she has been subjected to. Those that do this to her are just mean, nasty, and in so many words, evil. If not her, they’d find some other poor soul to torment.
I recently conducted a study utilizing existing information and data already available on the internet. It was a pseudo-scientific study because regardless of my hypothesis, the scientific method was absent of necessary components of control. Besides, I didn’t want, need, or care, if it was an exact science, because I didn’t necessarily need to be in the ballpark, but somewhere in close proximity to it. The information is highly subjective anyway. I wanted to know what perceived changes would be necessary to circumvent and overcome persistent bullying, ridicule, and “slut shaming.” What questions would need to be answered in order to be accepted, wanted, and implement positive change? So two questions came to mind: “What do men want?” and “What do men need?” If we could answer that, then we know what to look for, where to set the bar, and what we’re up against. At least in theory!
The pseudo-scientific study found some very interesting, surprising, yet not so surprising, results. We’ll avoid the mathematical models, and just summarize the results for you.
Pay close attention, because sometimes the term “need“, and other times, the term “want“; otherwise “desire”, is utilized. These are not synonymous with one another. Looking from the highest to the lowest priority, from a man’s perspective of what they need versus want, we learn some rather interesting details.
Overwhelmingly, the highest and most notable, of all of the characteristics are these. Not so surprisingly, men want their Partner to be:
- “beautiful, attractive, youthful, sexy, arm candy, a trophy, and the subject of envy (all physical traits and not characteristics)”
Also not so surprisingly, men need their Partner to:
- “freedom, space, recreation, alone time, and ‘man cave’”
What is surprising, is that both of these were listed as wanted but not needed, and needed but not wanted, respectfully by a 10:1 margin; a huge discrepancy between what men want and what they need.
Immediately following at a distant second, also not so surprisingly, men need:
In other words, like air, water, food, shelter, and clothing (primary needs), men need sex (notice that semantic change?).
Men need you to be:
- “self-sufficient, self-secure, self-worth, self-satisfaction, self-love and happy”
In other words, when it comes to lifting yourself up, you’re on your own.
Hovering just above the midpoint, these items were all consistent, and in alignment with one another, between what men need and want:
- “wanted, desired, admired, accepted, praised, interested in, and a hero”
- “intimate, passionate, sensual, playful, flirty, affectionate, touchy, and feely”
- “encouraging, responsive, supportive, reassuring, and a cheerleader with a positive attitude”
At the lower end of this spectrum, we found:
- “empathy, heart, vulnerability, and understanding”
This is indicative that the generally accepted preconceived notion and belief that men do not have empathy comes into question. Even though these are not at the top, the fact that consistency and alignment exist between them is most encouraging:
At the midpoint, needed twice as much as wanted:
- “honesty, integrity, truthfulness, and authenticity”
Also at the midpoint, wanted twice as much as needed:
- “communication, transparency, and conversation (listening)”
One important distinction, a characteristic that I found while looking at “communication” was the overwhelming presence of the word “listen.” Then it occurred to me. Yes, all men want communication, but their definition of “communication” is for them to talk, and for you to listen. I realize that my perception and determination may come as a great shock to you (another semantic change mind you).
Below the midpoint, the results yielded pretty much the same surprises we saw at the top, albeit not as wide of a discrepancy:
- “smart, intelligent, and interesting”
- “values, dreams, goals, and ambitions consistent with that of our own”
- “vibe, emotional stability, free of drama, manipulation, patronization, and pressure”
- “kindness and friendliness”
These were all wanted, but not needed, by a 5:1 margin. And in some instances, no need was declared at all…
As we venture below the midpoint, halfway between the midpoint and the bottom:
These two items show up as being needed over wanted by an average 2.5:1 margin. However, it doesn’t matter much considering it is so far down on the priority list of characteristics, it doesn’t appear to be much of a growing concern.
That’s some consolation considering that these below are needed, but not wanted, barely hovering above ground zero:
This was a surprise.
Rounding out the bottom, receiving only an honorable mention because they only received one point as either needed or wanted, but not both?
- “maturity (laughable, I know)”
- “learn our mood”
- “don’t pick a fight”
- “play with hair”
One item (three combined actually) that I found quite interesting, yet comical, was:
- “clean home”
- “domestic support”
Did these men want a Partner? Or did they want a cook and need a housekeeper and domestic support? And “Play with hair”? Just absurd!
If you’re confused, you’re not alone. For the life of me, I cannot understand why “consistency, dependability, thoughtfulness, consideration, loved, and time” are all at the bottom of the list. Actually, I do have a theory, but we won’t go there just yet. I have some of my own that I am perplexed as to how they never made either list like elegance & class, hygiene & cleanliness, confidentiality, faith, honor, dignity, morals & self-respect, and continuity. All of this underscores just how dysfunctional society has become with respect to relationship expectations. But I can assure you, if you follow what you find on the internet, you’ll be sorely disappointed with the outcome and the results, and you can anticipate a lifetime of disappointment. I can’t speak for women, but I can speak intelligently about what is fact and what is fiction, what is smart and what is, well, not so smart, and what is a realistic expectation and what is not. If people believe in a dumb idea, it’s still a dumb idea. There are a lot of websites out there making all kinds of ridiculous claims and recommendations. And worse, we have no shortage of media attention to distribute it, women to buy into it, and men expect it.
So what do we do? First, remember where I said, “I do have a theory”? The results suggest several things. We have men who, having declared needs and wants, appear to have their priorities so far out of order, it almost defies reasonable explanation. It says a whole lot about where our society is as a whole, where we have been systematically bombarded with the allure of sex, value isolation and vanity, and desire for your own self-sufficiency so that we can absolve ourselves of responsibility for it. Make no mistake, we are responding to it in much the same way an addict responds to their brains propensity to seek to feed and fuel their addiction. It makes little difference whether we are hypnotized, brainwashed, or programmed to seek it. It is the path we follow up until someone else comes along with a better one. So, I’ve rearranged the information, data, compiled results, and prioritized it in a manner to meet these criteria as enumerated:
- Absolute non-negotiable items that you refuse to live without in a relationship
- Secondary Needs (not to be confused with primary needs like air, water, food, shelter, and clothing). You can live without these things, but you have little interest in doing so.
- Wants (aka “desires” not to be confused with needs), You can live without these things.
The Top 21 List
- I must have, as non-negotiable, “faith (religious & spiritual)“ & “values, dreams, goals, and ambitions consistent with that of our own” & “honor, dignity, morals & self-respect” all grouped and bundled together. These are, individually and collectively, a deal breaker in a relationship. Other individual preferences may vary, but these are my #1.
- I need “love” & “wanted, desired, admired, accepted, praised, interested in, and a hero” are grouped and bundled together. I don’t necessarily want to be needed, but I need to be wanted.
- I need to have “honesty, integrity, truthfulness, and authenticity” & “confidentiality” in any relationship.
- I need “loyalty” & “commitment” in a relationship.
- I need to spend valuable and quality “time” in a relationship.
- I need “intimacy (not to be confused with sex), passionate, sensual, playful, flirty, affectionate, touchy, and feely” & “communication, transparency, and conversation” in a relationship.
- I need good “hygiene & cleanliness“ in a relationship.
- I need a “smart, intelligent, and interesting” Partner.
- I need for my Partner to have a good “vibe, emotional stability, free of drama, manipulation, patronization, and pressure”,
- I need “consistency” & “dependability” & “continuity” in a relationship.
- I need to be “Respected”, have my boundaries respected, as well as my personal belongings.
- I want a Partner that exhibits “elegance & class“ & “femininity”.
- I want “sex” (ironically #13).
- I want a Partner who is “encouraging, responsive, supportive, reassuring, and a cheerleader with a positive attitude” and “appreciation”.
- I want my Partner to have “empathy, heart, vulnerability, and understanding”.
- I want my Partner to exhibit “kindness and friendliness” & “thoughtfulness” & “consideration”.
- I want “compatibility” in a relationship.
- I want a Partner who is ““self-sufficient, self-secure, self-worth, self-satisfaction, self-love and happy”
- I want a Partner who is “beautiful, attractive, youthful, sexy, arm candy, a trophy, and the subject of envy (all physical traits and not characteristics)” & “humor” as a function of her personality. So, to clarify, I want a Partner who is beautiful in body, mind, and spirit, that takes care of herself, wants to feel these things because it makes her feel good about herself. The “arm candy, a trophy, and the subject of envy” are all so quite shallow, and I really don’t care about it. Just be a beautiful human being, and people will see the beauty within.
- I want a Partner who will “compromise”, and be “adaptable”.
- I’ll take the “freedom, space, recreation, alone time, and ‘man cave'” if/when I ever get to play blackjack.
All the rest is so inconsequential, it doesn’t even warrant an honorable mention.
The differences in perception between what is needed versus what is wanted was an eye-opening experience. The sad part is, young women and girls, read what they find on the internet and might believe it is true. It is not. They utilize it as the backbone, the foundation, for making decisions and determinations for what they must do to, not only get a man but also to keep one.
I once had a girlfriend that subscribed to the philosophy of a “lady in public, and a whore in bed” that I too embraced. I don’t anymore. It creates an internal struggle between doing the right thing, what the right thing is to do, and what is in your own best interest that is in direct conflict with the systemic problem that is indicative of society’s interests. Men read it too and draw the same conclusions as to what their roles are in a relationship. Both make broad assumptions on what is and isn’t a priority, and is of vital interest to create, develop, and foster a healthy relationship. It contributes to this whole idea, and the blatant height of hypocrisy that is: men are “studs”, and women are “whores”, all for doing and exhibiting the exact same actions and behaviors as one another. It becomes this endless perpetual cycle of misinformation, lies, and deceit, and it only serves to continuously reinforce what young women and girls believe, and what the men in their lives resolve to demand and expect.
“Don’t say anything about someone behind their back that you aren’t willing to say to their face”.
“Don’t sacrifice what you need and want in a relationship for the sake of someone else’s. It only serves to benefit them at your expense.”
It’s not worth it. If you prioritize “What Men Need” and “What Men Want” so as to what is important to you, then you’ll be more inclined to find a Partner that isn’t just a partner, but your lifelong “soul mate.” Pursue your own happiness, preserve your own self-interests, and don’t make it contingent upon someone else’s. Then, you will never have to settle for second best.
What are your top ten needs and wants? Do you find the article above to be accurate in your experience or do you have a different experience?