When in a long-term committed relationship, or in a marriage, often couples end up struggling along the way with connection, communication, and trust.
At The Modern Mr. and Mrs. when working with clients, the first place we start is with trust. Without trust, you cannot build healthy communication and you cannot build intimacy – both emotional and sexual. Why? Because without trust you will not feel safe to share and rely on your partner.
Many times couples know deep down that something is off with the relationship/marriage. They don’t get those cute texts anymore, or their partner stops calling, or work has now become the priority and you’re lucky to see them in the evenings. At first you didn’t think much of it, but after months, or even years of it, the relationship is not what it used to be.
Couples often wonder “how the hell did we get Here?” and I am going to make it really simple for you. The relationship stopped being the priority. Your partner stopped being the priority.
Life can be hectic, crazy, stressful at times, and the problem is that when life gets stressful the couple doesn’t turn Toward each other, but ends up Turning Away and withdrawing. When that happens the trust, connection, and communication slowly deteriorate.
This deterioration is very slow and so something that is completely benign originally can turn into a cancer overnight if you as a couple aren’t vigilant.
How Can You Change This?
Honestly, it all depends on where you are, how long this has been going on, and your natural relationship skills you bring to the relationship.
If you and your partner have always struggled with trust and communication, which ends up impacting your intimacy, even if it’s been a short time together (6 months -2 years) you would benefit from outside help so you both as a couple can learn these skills and really become a team.
If you and your partner have been together a short time (6 months – 2 years) and you both naturally have good relationship skills, then something as simple as a self-help book could do wonders for getting you through a rough patch.
Rule of Thumb
The longer you wait to get help, the higher the chance of your relationship not making it. Couples wait YEARS of being miserable before reaching out for help. Why? Out of shame, pride, the idea that you can do it on your own (even if nothing’s changed for years), or the fear of letting a third party in.
It’s never weak or shameful to admit you need help. Honestly, think about your life. Are you an expert at fixing cars? An expert at medical care? An expert on psychology and relationships? An expert at electrical work? An expert on business and marketing? Or…. do you Hire Experts in the area’s you’re not an expert in?
When you get sick who do you call? Your doctor, right? When your relationship is suffering, who do you call?
Dose of Reality
Just like your physical and mental health, your relationship needs to be taken care of as well. Many people don’t view relationships that way and that is where couples are making mistakes.
Look at you/your partner’s actions and you will see whether your relationship/marriage is a priority. If you think you need outside help and your partner scoffs and says, “Talking to someone won’t help” or “It’s not bad, we don’t need help, it will figure itself out” that is fear speaking and that is non-commitment speaking.
The truth is, health and growth mean being uncomfortable and facing things head on. Avoiding the conflict gets you nowhere and you end up losing a lot in the long run. So couples can try running and denying their problems, or they can be brave and call out the problem and reach out for help.
Tips to Revive the Spark
To revive the spark (if the spark has recently faded out) try to remember the things you originally did to woo or court your partner. It may sound stupid but if you got them roses in the beginning and stopped along the way, go get some damn roses. If you sent cute/thoughtful/sexy texts in the beginning and stopped, go do it!
Coaching Tip 101: Here is an exercise to do with your partner… each of you write out a list of all the ways your partner made you feel loved/desired in the first 3-6 months of the relationship. Once you are each done, share those things and see if you guys have stopped doing those. If you have, it’s time to start courting again. Because the truth is….
Never Stop Courting Your Partner. Never Take Them For Granted.
If you are struggling and cannot figure out how to revive the love and connection, then check out my Relationship Evolution Program and you can apply to see if we are a good fit to work together!