From a Betrayed partner with an SSA spouse:
Q: My husband of 12 years whom is addicted to Porn told me today that he would be fine (no issues) if I were to talk online to guys, have cyber sex you name it. As long as we don’t ever meet up in person. How am I supposed to be “okay” with him not respecting me or my body? Or even wanting me to just be with him?
The Savvy Answer:
We’ve discussed the brain science of addiction last week. So now that you are aware that your partner is NOT thinking rationally because they are in ACTIVE addiction, it’s important to note that he is saying this from a place of addiction. Your husband would most likely not be okay with you having cyber sex with other men if he was not clouded by active addiction.
My husband said similar things to me when he was in the depth of his addiction, and once he was clean and I brought it up, he was like “Hell no I wouldn’t be okay with that!”
The reason your husband is saying he is okay with you doing it is because it gives him the right to do it (in his own head – not that he actually does have the right to do it). He says that to justify his own actions.
And you are not supposed to be okay with it. You have the right to be in a loving, equal, respectful, committed relationship if that is what you want and value.
Never feel you have to settle (that goes for anyone reading this).
Again, your husband is in active addiction, and until he gets some sobriety under his belt, his brain is going to find any and every way to justify his behaviors.
However, with that said, this is the article that changed my husband’s mind about porn being cheating.
My husband was adamant it wasn’t until he read that article and then it hit him like a ton of bricks.
Because for him, he knew he would never engage in real life with someone, but once reading the article, he saw his actions in a new way and did not want to be doing the thing he said he would never do.
This sentence in the article really hits hard: “It is engagement with a digital prostitute despite one’s vow to forsake all others.”
If your husband is open to reading that article, then it might help him see his behavior for what it is – cheating.
If he isn’t ready, then he isn’t ready, and it’s up to you to set proper boundaries and consequences (which if you need more support in, I do have some coaching spots open if you want to get that level of support).
You have probably heard this at one point in your life, but “You can’t cure it, you didn’t cause it, and you can’t control it.”
You can only control yourself, your actions, your choices.
So, my question to you, is how do you want to react, take action, and make choices in the face of your husband’s denial?