From a betrayed partner with a SSA + IA partner

Q: Once trust has been broken so completely, how is it possible to stay together?

Savvy Answers:

If you are in the beginning stages of recovery (0-6 months post discovery) and you have not gotten any professional help, feeling absolutely broken and like you’ll never trust your partner again is normal. Do know that broken trust can be built back, with time, healing, and consistency.

If you are down the line (6+ months -5 years) and you’ve gotten professional help, and you’re still feeling like you cannot trust your partner, that to me says that recovery didn’t happen or there’s a missing piece.

Trust can be restored. I want you (and everyone else reading) to hear and understand that.

However, trust takes time. At The Mod we work on building in Micro-Trust to establish a baseline so you can build on the foundation.

If you want to know whether you can trust them again: Believe Behavior*. Words are cheap and empty oftentimes with addicts (especially in the beginning). It’s not that they don’t necessarily mean what they are saying, but more so they are saying it because they want it to be true.

Addicts can live in Verbal Reality = aka if I say it, it’s true. Action doesn’t matter.

So whatever stage of recovery you’re in, sit back, watch, observe, take notes, and see whether his behavior is matching what he is saying.

Another thing to note, is you’re dealing with both SSA + IA. That means 2 times the work for your spouse. Usually IA is the root addiction, and once IA is addressed a lot of the other addictions and even lighter IA behaviors will fade away.

*While believing behavior is key, please do your due diligence and make sure your partner is not also struggling from ADHD as that will impact this. They will need to address the ADHD if they ever want to build Micro-Trust back into the relationship.

Other Resources To Check Out:

  1. How Can I Gain Her (His) Trust Back?; Micro-Trust
  2. What is Micro-Trust and Why is it So Damn Important?
  3. 3 Ways You or Your Partner Are Deteriorating Trust Without Even Realizing It
  4. Porn Addiction & Betrayal Trauma: A Step by Step Guide To Recovery
  5. The Mod VIP Library


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