From a Betrayed Partner with an IA + SSA Spouse:
Q: How do you know when is it time to give up on the marriage?
When to give up on your marriage is one of the top questions I get asked. To begin the conversation you have to ask yourself these following questions:
- How long since you’ve had your discovery day has it been?
- Did your partner get right into recovery and commit?
- Did your partner brush you off, ignore you, minimize you, and have been waiting months (or even years) for them to get into recovery?
- Have you voiced your needs?
- What was your partner’s response?
And those are just the beginning questions I go into with clients!
This really is a big conversation, but I wanted to give you some things to think about as I know so many are struggling right now with this very question.
**Which if you are going the separation route – do not do it without proper guidance! I offer couples help with structuring the separation so that they actually can save their marriage from separation versus having the nail in the coffin in their marriage from it.**
So, if you’ve been waiting months to years for your partner to choose recovery (and ultimately choose you and your family), what are you feeling in your gut about your future?
For your personal situation you are dealing with both SSA + IA.
Personally I would NOT divorce until the following has been done*:
- He gets an AASAT therapist for individual recovery (if not, make sure the therapist works from a betrayal trauma/partner model versus codependency)
- You get a therapist for individual recovery
- Once the past has been processed and you want skills and tools, a recovery and relationship coach to help you streamline this process to be as smooth as possible
If you both have done individual therapy and coaching for the marriage and he has NOT done the work, engaged, and remains in denial AND it’s been more than one year since you discovered the addiction, that is when you would start to think about divorce.
If anyone is currently ready to move forward with divorce and they match the above criteria, I know a great divorce coach that works within this niche, Debra Doak, so be sure to check her out if you need assistance in your divorce.
*Except for if abuse is present. If you are currently the victim of Domestic or Sexual violence, please find your local DV/SV center, or go to the Domestic Violence Support website for further assistance.